Brylee Taylor

These are my thoughts. They may come off as cynical, witty, pompous, beautiful – whatever they may be, they're mine, they're what I feel.

“I Will Never Let You Fall, I’ll Stand Up For You Forever”

Love is a funny thing. It makes you feel things you never thought you could feel. It makes you do things you never thought you’d do. It binds people together in a supernatural way.

When I said I’d move on and forget about him, I lied. I can’t do it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it, just like I don’t think he’ll ever be able to do it. Spending the weekend with him made me realize how foolish we both are. It made me realize how easy it would be to get back into the swing of things, go back six months and continue our relationship, our adventure together.

Last night, I got a call from him, he was a complete wreck, he was hurting more than I’ve seen him hurt before; I couldn’t believe how quickly my mood turned – I was upset by the news of course, but I was distraught simply because he was so saddened. I couldn’t fathom the idea that he was over 100km away, hurting, alone with me there for him only through a telephone.

I didn’t even have to think about it – I got in my car and drove there as fast as I could. I needed to be there for him. He’d do the same for me in a second. I guess that’s what you do when you love someone. And I love him. Entirely.

In times of hardship, you find out who your true friends are, who your true lovers are, and how you truly feel, I found out all those things in a matter of seconds.

“You See Me, I See Through You, You Say Fuck Me, I Say Fuck You”

I watch movies and I wonder why my life isn’t like them – why can’t I live the life of a motion-picture, why can’t I have that fairytale ending? Then I realize that maybe the people producing the movies are just as unhappy as I am, living in some fantasy world. Maybe they make movies to get away, to pretend life is actually that of utopia. They aren’t real, the movies, I mean, they’re just make believe; life, however, is not.

This all brought me to the realization that maybe I won’t need a stranger to make me forget about him and push forward – he made that pretty easy for me already. I bit the bullet, I made a decision. It wasn’t a rash decision. It was a completely well thought out decision and I fully believe it’s the correct one. I’ll see him for the last time this weekend, and then I’ll disappear. He won’t hear from, or see me again… hopefully, he’ll be kind enough to do the same.

Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. We aren’t meant to be, and that’s the unfortunate truth.

“Don’t Bother Trying To Explain Angel, I Know Exactly What Goes On”

Sometimes life throws you curve balls. You may or may not deserve them, but if you’re lucky enough, these curve balls will be of a positive nature. The other night, I was thrown a particularly positive curve ball and I caught the sucker in the first inning.

It all started out terribly, my day I mean. He fucked up – badly, I was so down, but that little curve ball struck, and by curve ball, I mean my best friend, who single handedly kidnapped me and helped me have the night of my life. We did crazy things, we made rash decisions, and we met some phenomenal people.

It’s funny how surrounding yourself with completely unfamiliar people can be so comforting; they don’t know you, you don’t know them. You can be anyone you want. You aren’t being judged based on your past decisions. You’re viewed based on the now factor; who you are presently, what you believe presently. It’s refreshing. It’s liberating. It brings joy. The other night, I experienced just that. Among all the fucked up things going on in my life, happiness shone through. I felt happy. I feel happy.

I need more nights like that. I need more strangers – one stranger in particular – J. It seems J’s taken an interest to me and I to him. I’m curious to see how things will play out.

I’ve never been one to wait around, he knows that, and it’s not starting now. He kept playing the game, and it looks like I discovered the key to winning – stop playing. It’s time for change.

“Can’t Tell If I’m Done Or Just Uninspired”

Life has a funny way of kicking you when you’re down. I say this, because it seems as though when you feel you’re at you’re lowest point, something else plagues you when you least expect it. This is the inevitable case relating to my life.

I thought things were looking up in regards to him and I – I was wrong. So very wrong. Tell me; is it so iniquitous to be upset when you feel as though you’ve been deceived? He seems to think so.

While he’s out with some falsifier whom he feels more towards than me, treating her to the luxuries he used to drench me in, I’m at work, hoping for the clock to strike midnight, waiting for my shift to finally cease.

I want nothing more than to go home, pour myself a stiff drink, and cry. It’s been said big girls don’t cry – that’s a complete and utter fabrication. Big girls do cry; everyone does, at least anyone possessing an ounce of what they call “feelings”. He trampled mine with disregard, and I feel as though I’ve got the right to cry, the right to pour out my emotions.

I’m left with questions. Why did he do this to me? Didn’t he know how I would react? What do I do now? Do I forget about him? I told him to forget about me. He brings nothing but pain, and why? Does he enjoy the thought of me hurting? Does he know I cry at night? I thought he was the one. How naïve of me – you’d think I was fifteen years old again dreaming of some unattainable utopian society.

This situation is pathetic; two stubborn people with differing viewpoints on the problem at hand.  He maintains he did no wrong; if that were true, why am I torn up inside. He doesn’t realize what he’s doing to me, to us. He ruined any chance we had of rekindling the flame. If I give in to him after this, I’ll have lost all self-respect – I’ll be no better than her, no smarter, rather,

The awful thing is, I know I will. Give in I mean. He’s already trying to rope me back. Sending me text messages with an innocent feel to them; granted, they’re coming few and far between – perhaps he waited for her to fall asleep, to step out, to be gone so he could badger me without feeling guilty, but he should feel guilty. He’s done horrible things. He’s made horrible choices. And those are just the choices I know of, the choices he’s been unable to hide.

What happened to him? Oh, how he’s changed over the past six months, and not for the better. Every part of me wants to blame her, and I do. But that isn’t fair. No one can change an unwilling person, at least not in the way he’s changed. She may have pushed the change, but he enabled it.

I hope he’s happy with the choice he’s made. I hope they’re happy together… now that I’m out of the picture.

I hope they burn in hell.

“We’re Concentrated On Falling Apart”

Some say monsters come out in the dark, they say the creatures of the night lurk in your closet or under your bed – I disagree. The only monsters paying me any attention are the ones in my head, the ones in my heart, the ones that come out just as I start to believe things will be alright.

It’s 2:45 in the morning, and for some obscure reason, I’m still awake, awake and wishing for nothing more than an ounce of sleep. I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and regrettably, I’ll admit it’s my own fault. I stay up, tossing and turning, thinking about every fucked up thing going on in my life, in my friend’s lives, in my family’s lives. I dwell on things I can’t change – this is one of my many flaws, perhaps my biggest.

The worst part about my nighthawk routine is the fact that the later I stay awake, the more upset I find myself. The more negative my thoughts start to become. I’m not quite sure why, but I feel like it may have to do with me being alone. Alone with my own thoughts, my own feelings.

What am I meant to do? Who am I supposed to be? Where am I going to end up? All of these questions constantly running through my head. I feel like I am supposed to be doing so much more, I should be somewhere else, I should be someone else, I should be making a difference. Instead, I’m doing nothing.  I stress over things that could have been, and I push those who care about me most away. I’m selfish, I’m careless, and most of all, I’m spiteful.

Lately, I hurt all the time. I put on a façade to avoid portraying weakness, but I’m broken – I’ve been broken for a long while now and it seems as though it’s self-inflicted. I could have avoided the pain, but instead, with malicious intent, I created it all. What’s worse, I didn’t only break myself, but I broke him as well. He gave me his whole heart, at least that’s what he claimed, and for what it’s worth, I gave him mine.

I can’t stop – we can’t stop. It’s become a vicious cycle, a game of sorts, an irrefutable game with no winner, and as time goes on, we get better at playing. I question my motives. I question his motives. I question love. If two people love each other so much, why hurt each other when opportunity presents itself?

I wonder where he is, what he’s doing. Does he still think of me? He says he does, but the truth behind his words has dissipated. Then again, truth isn’t in my nature these days either. I lie. I lie to him, I lie to myself, I lie to my friends. I pretend I’m okay. Truth is, I’m pretty fucked up…